National Service

So David Cameron is flirting with the idea of introducing National Service, or some similar “tame the feral youth” type affair.

That was some scary news for my cousin, who is 15, and far from feral.

“Mum, I don’t want to go in the ARMY!” he pleaded, genuinely upset.

He will be receiving the following letter:

CALL UP NOTICE FOR MR XXXXXX (name removed to protect the innocent)

Dear Mr XXXXXX,

Congratulations!

You have been chosen for the first batch of recruits under the government’s new General Rehabilitation of Irritable Teenagers (GRIT) programme. As a new recruit you will be required to attend a six month long Teenager Understand and Face your Future (TUFF) paramilitary-style training course. This will be followed by the three-month-long Teenager Or Recalcitrant To Undergo Re-Education (TORTURE) programme of advanced physical and mental training.

Please attend your local TUFF training centre at RAF Lockermouth, Inverness, Scotland, at 09:00 GMT 1 Sept 2011.

You will be provided with military-style fatigues for the duration of your TUFF course. All other equipment will be provided. You must bring:

5 pairs underpants
5 pairs socks

The following items will not be permitted and will be confiscated:

Mobile telephones
MP3 and other music players
Personal computers
Personal hygiene products (we will supply soap, shampoo and de-licing powder when required)
Jewellery
Pets
Alcohol, cigarettes and drugs
Knives and other weaponry

You are permitted the following personal items:

1 x Bible/Koran/Torah or other religious book
1 x 50m packet of dental floss
1 x pen

Please note this course is compulsory. Failure to attend will result in a custodial sentence for your parents. If you abscond whilst on the course, advanced students undergoing the TORTURE programme will be permitted to hunt you down and return you to base.

I do hope you enjoy your time on the GRIT programme.

Yours truly,

Col Walter Kurz
Programme Director
General Rehabilitation of Irritable Teenagers